I'm Sorry

I'm sorry because today I let the enemy steal my joy. I let him beat me down. I let him take my strength. And with my lack of joy and strength I discouraged others. I lost direction and gratitude and freedom. I abandoned hope and chose pity. And it felt awful. It felt empty. It felt lonely. 

And yet in this lonely, empty place I find grace. And in that grace I find power. And strength. And victory. I find a King on a cross who fights for me. Who wins back my joy. My freedom. My hope. And it is beautiful. The sacrifice, it's overwhelming. 

You are beautiful

My heart wanders

And you draw me home

I draw near to you

And my cup overflows

I feel like I'm failing 

And you encourage my heart

You are beautiful

My sin overwhelms me

And you wash my feet clean

My heart is burdened

And you carry my load

My soul is longing

And you fill it with joy

You are beautiful

I search for meaning

And I find it in you 

My body feels weak

And you give me rest

My heart feels empty

And you fill it with love

You are beautiful 

Making the days count

A friend recently asked me, "How do you make the daily grind worthwhile?" It was more of a rhetorical question but it has stuck with me. Maybe because that same thought has been resounding in my own head. 

Being a mom is worthwhile in itself. Even the simple every day tasks have purpose. But perhaps it's the repetition of these every day tasks that sometimes leaves me feeling a little... Unfulfilled. 

Let me start by saying that being a mom is by no means unfulfilling. In fact being a mom has given me so much purpose and joy. And I consider it a privilege and honor to raise my daughter. But sometimes in the daily grind I lose track of that purpose. In the repetition of cooking, cleaning and caring for a toddler I get caught up in the long hours and not the short years. 

I wish I had the perfect thing to say here, but I don't. And I know that through the years it will be easy to lose sight of the privilege and purpose of being a mom. But I hope I can remember to step back and take it all in. Because the truth is, the days are long, but the years are short. And we only have one life. And they are only little for so long. So try not to get discouraged by the unfulfilling every day tasks. Because they matter. And whether you are changing another diaper or pouring a cup of coffee, you never know when God might use you for something bigger. Or speak wisdom to your heart. Or comfort you with a silly toddler smile. 

It all matters! 

A letter to my daughter

Amelia,
  I love you more than words could ever express and yet I know that I will fail you at times. I will try so hard not to, but I am human. I will disappoint you at times. But I want you, need you to know that there is a love that will never disappoint. That will never fail. That is not based on you. It is an unconditional, all forgiving love that took me many years to understand and accept. My prayer for you is that you know this love from an early age. Because my love, this world will disappoint you and hurt you. And it will never satisfy your heart. But God will. Days when you feel at your worst, He still loves you. Wants you. Desires you. When you feel you have failed, He sees a success. He sees the inner makings of you that have been perfectly crafted in His image. And He will draw you in without hesitation and wipe your tears. He will wash your feet and help you up. He will kiss you and love on you and give you strength in Him. We all feel like failures at times because that is what this world tells us. That we aren't good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. But my love, you are perfect on the scale that matters. You are a daughter of the King! So when you need strength, which will be daily, sit at His feet and drink from His cup. He will give you rest and renew your spirit. In Him you will find joy and hope. And by His grace you will conquer this world. But do it with love. Show others the grace He shows you. And remember that this world is full of sons and daughters of the almighty king. So love them as such. Treat them as such. And make it your hearts desire to see them walk in freedom with you. To know and love and worship the King! That is where you will find a joy like none other. That is where you will find purpose. That is what you were made for. The rest of this life is just for a short while. The hurts and pain are just temporary. Even your victories will fade away. But the joy you find in The Lord is forever. So don't keep it to yourself. Share the good news. Set your mind on eternal things. And have faith. Your Daddy, your King, your Savior is with you. And loves you, unconditionally. 

My life is messy

This morning during worship at church I felt tears flooding down my cheeks. This happens often and I immediately try to hold them back. Not sure why exactly. I guess I want to seem like I have it all together. But the truth is I don't. And why should I ever be ashamed that worshipping my savior stirs up emotions that are sometimes too much to keep in.

Sometimes I feel like the thing we pride ourselves on having, we really don't have. Spiritual freedom. Yes we are free to worship. Yes we can be open about our faith. But are we? 

I'm speaking more for myself than anyone. The truth is, sometimes the idea of looking like I have it all together appeals to me more than the idea of being open about my messy, wonderful, emotional, beautiful and intimate walk with The Lord. But as I've been reminded lately, this morning in particular, there is a need to be open. Vulnerable. Approachable. And messy. If my life wasn't messy, I wouldn't need God. And if I'm not open about it, I'm missing opportunities to encourage, witness and love others. Sometimes being vulnerable is exactly what someone else needs to find strength. My messy story matters and if one person comes to faith by my testimony, that's all that really matters. 

So I'm not sorry for crying this morning. Because this morning my heart was overwhelmed by a God that rescued me when I couldn't rescue myself, and broken for those who haven't experienced the unconditional love of a savior.