You're a Good Good Father

Five and a half years ago, Luke and I decided we were ready to start a family. It was such an exciting time. A new adventure. That adventure quickly became frustration, as month after month the tests came back negative. 

I'll skip the details here, but I remember the moment all of my excitement came crashing to the ground. I was working out with a friend when I got a call with the results of some tests my doctor had run. Tears streamed down my face as the nurse broke the news. A few days later we sat across from a fertility specialist as he literally mapped out our chances of ever getting pregnant on our own. The chart was not in our favor. And the only thing I could focus on was the dollar sign placed in front of us. We were 23, barely out of college and a year into our careers. That kind of money wasn't exactly sitting in our bank account.

I remember crying. A lot. I remember thinking it wasn't fair. I remember asking why. And I remember the night we sat in small group as two other couples announced they were pregnant.

What came next was a journey. I had to accept for the time being that we couldn't afford fertility treatment and we didn't want to go into debt. So I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Until one night I sat in a chair crying and heard the Lord speak so clearly to my tender, broken heart.

"Amanda, I know your heart. I formed and molded that heart. And I will give you the desires of your heart, but in my timing."

I knew in that moment that I would be a mom.

Over the next few months I held fast to this verse
Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways", declares the Lord.


It wasn't easy, and some days were harder than others. I remember the day my best friend had her baby. The Sundays babies were dedicated at church. The baby showers, birth announcements and pregnant women who seemed to always cross my path. But day after day I held onto the words spoken over me, "I know your heart. I formed and molded that heart. And I will give you the desires of your heart." And can't we all agree that the Lord wants good for us. That He takes pleasure in blessing us. But can we also agree that the Lord's plans are far better than ours. That only He knows what the future holds and how it is best laid out for us.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

A few months later Luke started a new job, and soon after we found out our new insurance covered a huge portion of fertility treatment. Let me just say that this is unheard of. Even our fertility office was surprised. But I wasn't. God had made me a promise and now His faithfulness was at work. Two months later I stood in my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test, and 9 months later Amelia Grace was born. And I was in love. Fast forward two and a half years and once again I stood in my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test, and 9 months later Eloise Hope was born.

He's a good good father. And I just want to say that I know the pain of this world. Boy do I know it. Not just in struggling to start a family, but in losing my dad when I was still a vulnerable little girl. In losing a grandfather and a cousin. In struggling with OCD. And in so many other things that come with living in a broken world. And sometimes our prayers seem to go unanswered and unheard and we don't get that happy ending. But friends, HE'S A GOOD GOOD FATHER! Those prayers aren't unheard. His ways are higher than our ways and only He knows what our hearts truly need. Only He can see tomorrow. Only He can know how to plan our days. To protect us from harm. From the schemes of the devil. From the things we think will make us happy. And the more you trust in Him, the more your heart will align with His. The more you will see that He wants good for us. He wants to bless us. He wants to exalt us. And you will more easily accept when your plans are not His plans.

To the Discouraged Mama

You go to bed and tell yourself, "tomorrow is going to be a great day". Then you wake up and within 5 mins your toddler is acting like the world might end because she doesn't want to wear anything in her closet. Forget the fact it's 6 am and you don't even NEED to get dressed right now. In her world, it's very important and she needs just the right outfit to start the day. And it can't have buttons or itchy tags and if it doesn't have enough twirl then it might as well get thrown away right this second. I fight the urge to tell her to stop being ridiculous and try to remember how important this is in her world. And if it's important to her, I want it to be important to me. And I want to have patience. So I help her find something suitable while attempting to rehang the 50 things she vetoed and make a mental note to get rid of half her clothes. Less options are just better for us girls, ya know?! 

Then we head downstairs. But I take one step too fast and she thinks I'm going to move ahead of her and once again the drama threatens my patience and I think "we've been awake 10 mins and I've already failed at having a great day".

Wrong. 

A great day isn't defined by the lack of drama. If it was, I could kiss great days away for the next 18 years. I have two girls. Drama is inevitable. A great day isn't when everything goes right, either. A great day is choosing joy, even when everything doesn't go right. 

"Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me." -Jesus Calling

These years with young kids are hard. We aren't just fighting our own battles, we're fighting for our kids as well. We are fighting for joy for our whole family. We are learning patience, oh so much patience. We are learning what it means to depend on God is ways we never thought we would need to. But what a blessing that is. What a privelege. 

I'll end with this. God promised Abraham that his family would be as numerous as all the stars in the sky. In the midst of an impossible situation, God was faithful in His promises. 

Stars in the Sky by Mia