A Privilege

There is a song that I love that we sing many Sunday mornings. It says...

"Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander, where my trust is without borders, and I will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior". 

I think it's easy to feel the emotion in this song and to shout it out. But it wasn't until I was struggling with something hard that these words came to mind and suddenly I realized that by making this my prayer, I asked for this struggle. Maybe that's pushing it a little, but the truth is, to go deeper and be in a place where your trust is truly without borders, you have to walk through something challenging. Something that will allow you to say, not by my strength, but Yours God. Something that stretches us beyond where our feet would lead us. 

I guess my point is that God never promised life here on earth would be easy. He never promised we wouldn't have struggles and hardships. But He does promise to walk beside us and to always be faithful. He promises to never abandon us. He cares so deeply about us and desires for us to surrender control and allow Him to carry us, strengthen us, and refine us to come out the other side stronger than before. So maybe walking through a struggle is a privilege. Because it's in that struggle that we will experience God's faithfulness. His goodness. His grace. 

Psalm 46:10-11

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations and in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge."

Fear of Failure

Amelia,
   I think the hardest part of being a mom is the pressure to teach you everything that is right. To show you how to live. How to love. How to be. The pressure to live as an example for you. Because I'm not perfect. Not even close. How I respond to others. How I treat others. Love others. Care for others. You see me and you follow in my footsteps. Its a big responsibility. One that I'm scared of failing at...

   But I'm reminded of this. That if I was perfect, then YOU would be scared to fail. To be human. To learn from your mistakes and have the privilege of building character and endurance. Of learning what is right and wrong and CHOOSING to do right.

    Life is really hard sometimes. It takes every bit of our energy at times. It knocks us down at times. Its a constant state of learning and trying and working harder. And sometimes we fail. Sometimes we endure trials and pain. But it will be okay. And I can tell you that with full confidence because I know the Lord is good. And He will help us. He will cry with us and share our pain. He will take on our burdens and lighten our loads. And that takes away some of the fear of failure. Because even when we do fail, God will redeem it. He will cover it and use it to make us stronger, and He will receive the glory. Don't be afraid to fail. Just seek Him and try your best. And when you do fail, look for the redeeming value of that pain. Because He works everything for the good of those who love Him.

~Mommy

Letting Go of Perfect

This week has been rough for me. I haven't been sleeping well and for whatever reason I've been irritable and emotional. Two words I hate to describe myself as. I was almost at a breaking point last night. I hated the way I felt and my lack of motivation to change my attitude. My sweet husband kept asking what he could do to make my life easier, and that added a whole other pile of guilt onto my shoulders. He had already taken Amelia to the library after working all day so I could go to the gym, then cleaned up dinner while I put her to bed. I just kept thinking "this is not me", which made me more upset. This morning I went to my mom's group at church. Thank God for the wonderful women in my life who are always such an encouragement and reminder that I'm not the only one who gets in a rut here and there. The entire way home I felt God speaking to my heart. Everything that was overwhelming me began to fall off my shoulders. I felt peace for the first time in a week. He also began to provide clarity on what was causing such stress and discontentment. Some of it I have solutions for and some I don't. Sometimes we just have to hand it over to God and ask Him to carry our burdens, because we can't do it alone. So here is what was keeping me down this week...
1. I'm a perfectionist and everything I do I try to do with perfect in mind. It gets overwhelming. And the answer is this: I'M NOT PERFECT! And I don't have to be. I need to let some things go and prioritize what is most important. And its not a perfectly clean and beautiful home. It's not having the perfect, healthy diet. It's not being the picture perfect mom. It's not being in amazing shape physically. It's not having a perfectly balanced budget. It is being a good mom (notice I didn't say perfect), having time for my husband, unhurried time with God, investing in relationships, and letting everything else fall into place, even if it doesn't fall perfectly.
2. I feel the need for accomplishment. Its human nature. And as much as I LOVE staying home with Amelia, I'm going to be completely honest when I say its hard to find a feeling of accomplishment in that. A measurable accomplishment anyway. This is hard to articulate because of course I know I am accomplishing so much in her life by teaching her, loving her and guiding her, but in the day to day its hard to see and measure. And of course I accomplish many other household tasks, but I've accomplished laundry every single day for years. After awhile it doesn't feel very gratifying to wash and put away clean clothes. I'm just saying. So this one I don't have an answer for. I haven't quite figured out how to feel accomplished doing the same tasks every single day. But going forward I am going to try to remind myself of the importance of my role in Amelia's life. I'm going to ask the Lord to remind me of my purpose in Him and of His purpose for my life.
3. When I start to get burned out, I check out. When I'm exhausted and lacking sleep, I lose motivation. Its like a downward slope. When I get on this slope, I know I need to spend more time in His word and praying about how I feel. My excuse is that I'm too emotionally and physically drained. I have nothing left in me to deal with my own emotions and heart. Answer:  “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28

We are not perfect in our own image, we are perfect in God's image. So let Him be the reminder of who we are. Don't let other things define you or seek accomplishment elsewhere! It will never be fulfilling. I can tell you from experience!

Love for the least of these...

One thing that continually challenges my stubborn heart is this....

"Most people need love the most when they deserve it the least."

I don't know when this lie was instilled in my heart, but somewhere I began to believe that people must earn love. Wrong. People must earn respect. They must earn friendship. They must earn our time. But love is not something that is earned, it's something we should freely give. It's how we demonstrate the love of Christ. Because even when we were sinners, He loved us. Even when we didn't deserve His love, He loved us deeply. Passionately. Unconditionally. And when I look at the quote above, I am reminded that sometimes people do need love the most when they don't deserve it. We did! Jesus loved us so much He died for us out of love, that our sins would be covered. 

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." - 1 Peter 4:8

Please know that I struggle with this. I'm still learning to "give my hurts and disappointments to The Lord, so I can be free to give and receive love unconditionally". (Quote taken from Love Letters from My King). You never know when showing someone love might change their life for the better. 

I'll leave you with this...

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' -Matthew 25:40

Priorities

I read a blog post someone posted on Facebook the other day and ever since I have been focused on asking myself, what are my priorities? What are the things that matter most, and am I putting my best self and my unhurried time into those things? Or am I spending too much of myself on things that don't matter. Of course my number one is God. But does he get my number one spot? Does he get the best part of me and my day? Id like to say yes, but the truth is, in this stage of life, with a young toddler, He doesn't. Not even close. And thankfully His grace is abundant. But I want to work on that. My number twos are my husband and kid. And while my kid does in fact get plenty of my time, am I using it wisely? Am I focused on the right things? Am I teaching her good values? Id like to think so! I'm pretty darn proud of the kid we have raised thus far. She is kind and tender hearted. She is giving and loves to share. But I guess what I do see is that I find myself trying too hard on the things that don't matter too. You know what I mean, right? Best dressed, well traveled, lots of new experiences, Pinterest perfect toddlerhood. These things are ok, but they aren't what matter most. What matters most is that she loves God and loves people. That she has self control and is trustworthy. That she has a gentle spirit and shows grace to others. So which of these things are getting the best of our time together?! And last but certainly not least is my wonderful husband. My amazing, kindhearted, selfless, Jesus loving husband who often gets the very last of me. The worst parts of me. And still he says he's crazy in love with me. Boy did I luck out! Maybe some of my Pinterest surfing time could go to serving him better?! 

I think my overall point here is that I often find myself wasting too much energy on the things that just don't matter in the end. The things that are fun but worldly. And some of the best things and people in my life aren't getting the best parts of me and my day. I want to change that. 

'When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.'

John 19:30

This morning I am taking some quiet time to meditate on the word of God. The words written of Jesus about these few days many years ago. The last words spoken by Jesus as he bowed his head and was reunited with his Father after suffering on a cross. The weight of it all is heavy. That the God of the universe, in his loving kindness towards us, sent His son to this earth to be mocked and hated and crucified... For me. And now, "it is finished". My sins are forgiven and my debt is paid. Nothing I do can separate me from the love of my Father. I don't have to be good enough. Jesus was perfect for me. FOR ME. The love and sacrifice of my savior is beyond words. And this morning I am overwhelmed with gratitude and reverence and love. I'm not perfect and I often lose sight of this. I take it for granted. But as I sit here this morning and read through the word of God, my heart remembers the moment I accepted this truth. The moment my chains were broken. I remember hearing about the moment my dad fell to the altar and cried and accepted Christ as his savior. When he admitted that not by his power but by the sacrifice of a savior, he was freed from death. And I think about Amelia and the hope I have for her. I will never take for granted the need for a savior. And I pray that my life reflects this for others. 

'He will swallow up death forever. The Soverign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.'

Isaiah 25:8

8

My Grandma

I just finished dropping my grandma off at the airport. She gave me a great big hug and told me she was proud of the way I am raising my daughter. Cue the waterworks. 

She came in town this weekend to watch my mom walk in the Avon breast Cancer walk in her honor. She is a breast cancer survivor, but she is also so much more. 

My grandma and I have never lived in the same state, but she has been there for every big event in my life. Over the years I've taken this for granted, but as I get older and more mature and understand the demands of life, I have begun to realize just how incredible she is to always be here for me. 

My grandma is an incredible woman and I hope to be like her when I am her age. She raised five incredible kids, my mom being one of them, and made an effort to be close with all of her grandchildren. She fought and won the battle against breast and colon cancer and did it with such an incredible attitude. She took care of my grandpa while he battled lung cancer and lost. She was there when my dad and my cousin died. She possessed such strength and helped take care of everyone. And in everything that she's been through she has showed such strength and wisdom and faith. 

Now at 80 years old she spends her days helping other people. She is a part of two incredible ministries, as well as being very involved in her church. She helps feed and makes mats for the homeless. And to hear her passion for doing this is so inspiring and heart warming.

Last night we stayed up until almost midnight talking. We talked about things that matter and things that don't. Some things I knew and some things I didn't. We talked about how much mortgages cost 50 years ago and what it was like to raise a family. Some things I had heard 1000 times and some things I was just hearing for the first time. I found out she still stays in contact with some girls from grade school! (She's pretty awesome, huh?!) We also talked about some hard things and about how some things in life aren't fair, but that we have to give them to God and let Him take control. 

Grandma I love the woman that you are. I love your strength and I love your faith. Thank you for raising my mom to be the person she is so that she could raise me to be the person I am, and I pray and hope that I can raise Amelia to be as incredible as you and mom. And I really hope that when I'm 80 years old I am out mowing my own lawn and helping feed the homeless. 

I love you grandma! 

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry because today I let the enemy steal my joy. I let him beat me down. I let him take my strength. And with my lack of joy and strength I discouraged others. I lost direction and gratitude and freedom. I abandoned hope and chose pity. And it felt awful. It felt empty. It felt lonely. 

And yet in this lonely, empty place I find grace. And in that grace I find power. And strength. And victory. I find a King on a cross who fights for me. Who wins back my joy. My freedom. My hope. And it is beautiful. The sacrifice, it's overwhelming. 

You are beautiful

My heart wanders

And you draw me home

I draw near to you

And my cup overflows

I feel like I'm failing 

And you encourage my heart

You are beautiful

My sin overwhelms me

And you wash my feet clean

My heart is burdened

And you carry my load

My soul is longing

And you fill it with joy

You are beautiful

I search for meaning

And I find it in you 

My body feels weak

And you give me rest

My heart feels empty

And you fill it with love

You are beautiful 

Making the days count

A friend recently asked me, "How do you make the daily grind worthwhile?" It was more of a rhetorical question but it has stuck with me. Maybe because that same thought has been resounding in my own head. 

Being a mom is worthwhile in itself. Even the simple every day tasks have purpose. But perhaps it's the repetition of these every day tasks that sometimes leaves me feeling a little... Unfulfilled. 

Let me start by saying that being a mom is by no means unfulfilling. In fact being a mom has given me so much purpose and joy. And I consider it a privilege and honor to raise my daughter. But sometimes in the daily grind I lose track of that purpose. In the repetition of cooking, cleaning and caring for a toddler I get caught up in the long hours and not the short years. 

I wish I had the perfect thing to say here, but I don't. And I know that through the years it will be easy to lose sight of the privilege and purpose of being a mom. But I hope I can remember to step back and take it all in. Because the truth is, the days are long, but the years are short. And we only have one life. And they are only little for so long. So try not to get discouraged by the unfulfilling every day tasks. Because they matter. And whether you are changing another diaper or pouring a cup of coffee, you never know when God might use you for something bigger. Or speak wisdom to your heart. Or comfort you with a silly toddler smile. 

It all matters! 

A letter to my daughter

Amelia,
  I love you more than words could ever express and yet I know that I will fail you at times. I will try so hard not to, but I am human. I will disappoint you at times. But I want you, need you to know that there is a love that will never disappoint. That will never fail. That is not based on you. It is an unconditional, all forgiving love that took me many years to understand and accept. My prayer for you is that you know this love from an early age. Because my love, this world will disappoint you and hurt you. And it will never satisfy your heart. But God will. Days when you feel at your worst, He still loves you. Wants you. Desires you. When you feel you have failed, He sees a success. He sees the inner makings of you that have been perfectly crafted in His image. And He will draw you in without hesitation and wipe your tears. He will wash your feet and help you up. He will kiss you and love on you and give you strength in Him. We all feel like failures at times because that is what this world tells us. That we aren't good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. But my love, you are perfect on the scale that matters. You are a daughter of the King! So when you need strength, which will be daily, sit at His feet and drink from His cup. He will give you rest and renew your spirit. In Him you will find joy and hope. And by His grace you will conquer this world. But do it with love. Show others the grace He shows you. And remember that this world is full of sons and daughters of the almighty king. So love them as such. Treat them as such. And make it your hearts desire to see them walk in freedom with you. To know and love and worship the King! That is where you will find a joy like none other. That is where you will find purpose. That is what you were made for. The rest of this life is just for a short while. The hurts and pain are just temporary. Even your victories will fade away. But the joy you find in The Lord is forever. So don't keep it to yourself. Share the good news. Set your mind on eternal things. And have faith. Your Daddy, your King, your Savior is with you. And loves you, unconditionally. 

My life is messy

This morning during worship at church I felt tears flooding down my cheeks. This happens often and I immediately try to hold them back. Not sure why exactly. I guess I want to seem like I have it all together. But the truth is I don't. And why should I ever be ashamed that worshipping my savior stirs up emotions that are sometimes too much to keep in.

Sometimes I feel like the thing we pride ourselves on having, we really don't have. Spiritual freedom. Yes we are free to worship. Yes we can be open about our faith. But are we? 

I'm speaking more for myself than anyone. The truth is, sometimes the idea of looking like I have it all together appeals to me more than the idea of being open about my messy, wonderful, emotional, beautiful and intimate walk with The Lord. But as I've been reminded lately, this morning in particular, there is a need to be open. Vulnerable. Approachable. And messy. If my life wasn't messy, I wouldn't need God. And if I'm not open about it, I'm missing opportunities to encourage, witness and love others. Sometimes being vulnerable is exactly what someone else needs to find strength. My messy story matters and if one person comes to faith by my testimony, that's all that really matters. 

So I'm not sorry for crying this morning. Because this morning my heart was overwhelmed by a God that rescued me when I couldn't rescue myself, and broken for those who haven't experienced the unconditional love of a savior. 

New Year

It's January 1st! Perhaps one of my secret favorite days of the year. Everything is new and fresh... Or at least that's what I let myself believe. Maybe today I can leave the mistakes of last year in the past and move forward. I can stop feeling guilty about my lack of time in the word and prayer and resolve to do better in the coming days. Because it'll totally happen, right?! Probably not. Because old habits die hard. A day doesn't really make a difference and the same busy schedule awaits me. But maybe God can use my new found motivation for good. He can make a difference in me. He can help me change old habits. 

The past few days I've really felt The Lord speaking to my heart. Drawing me in. Loving on my soul and giving me this picture of Him patiently waiting for me to fall at His feet and rest. To soak in His goodness. His grace. His word. To remember what this life is really about. And to ultimately revolve myself around His kingdom.

I can resolve to do a new study this year. Change up my game plan. Start a new routine. But if I really want a change I have to look at my heart. Change starts in the heart. This verse really spoke to me...

Matthew 19:20-21

20 The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?” 21 Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

This is true for me so much of the time. My intentions are good, but I get caught up in the "do" and not in Jesus himself. Jesus says to come, follow him. So that is what I resolve to do this year. To follow Him. To let Him carry my heavy burdens. To sit at His feet and soak in His goodness and love. His word. And let the Holy Spirit transform me instead of trying to do it myself. 

Matthew 20:26

Jesus said to them "with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."