This week has been rough for me. I haven't been sleeping well and for
whatever reason I've been irritable and emotional. Two words I hate to
describe myself as. I was almost at a breaking point last night. I hated
the way I felt and my lack of motivation to change my attitude. My
sweet husband kept asking what he could do to make my life easier, and
that added a whole other pile of guilt onto my shoulders. He had already
taken Amelia to the library after working all day so I could go to the
gym, then cleaned up dinner while I put her to bed. I just kept thinking
"this is not me", which made me more upset. This morning I went to my
mom's group at church. Thank God for the wonderful women in my life who
are always such an encouragement and reminder that I'm not the only one
who gets in a rut here and there. The entire way home I felt God
speaking to my heart. Everything that was overwhelming me began to fall
off my shoulders. I felt peace for the first time in a week. He also
began to provide clarity on what was causing such stress and
discontentment. Some of it I have solutions for and some I don't.
Sometimes we just have to hand it over to God and ask Him to carry our
burdens, because we can't do it alone. So here is what was keeping me
down this week...
1. I'm a perfectionist and everything I do I try to do with perfect in
mind. It gets overwhelming. And the answer is this: I'M NOT PERFECT! And
I don't have to be. I need to let some things go and prioritize what is
most important. And its not a perfectly clean and beautiful home. It's
not having the perfect, healthy diet. It's not being the picture perfect
mom. It's not being in amazing shape physically. It's not having a
perfectly balanced budget. It is being a good mom (notice I didn't say
perfect), having time for my husband, unhurried time with God, investing
in relationships, and letting everything else fall into place, even if
it doesn't fall perfectly.
2. I feel the need for accomplishment. Its human nature. And as much as I
LOVE staying home with Amelia, I'm going to be completely honest when I
say its hard to find a feeling of accomplishment in that. A measurable
accomplishment anyway. This is hard to articulate because of course I
know I am accomplishing so much in her life by teaching her, loving her
and guiding her, but in the day to day its hard to see and measure. And
of course I accomplish many other household tasks, but I've accomplished
laundry every single day for years. After awhile it doesn't feel very
gratifying to wash and put away clean clothes. I'm just saying. So this
one I don't have an answer for. I haven't quite figured out how to feel
accomplished doing the same tasks every single day. But going forward I
am going to try to remind myself of the importance of my role in
Amelia's life. I'm going to ask the Lord to remind me of my purpose in
Him and of His purpose for my life.
3. When I start to get burned out, I check out. When I'm exhausted and
lacking sleep, I lose motivation. Its like a downward slope. When I get
on this slope, I know I need to spend more time in His word and praying
about how I feel. My excuse is that I'm too emotionally and physically
drained. I have nothing left in me to deal with my own emotions and
heart. Answer: “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28
We are not perfect in our own image, we are perfect in
God's image. So let Him be the reminder of who we are. Don't let other
things define you or seek accomplishment elsewhere! It will never be
fulfilling. I can tell you from experience!
