Thankfulness

Last night I walked in to check on Amelia before heading to bed. But I saw things with a new perspective.  Normally I would look around and cringe at the mess all around her. Toys, clothes, etc. But tonight, instead of seeing the mess, I saw blessings. Instead of focusing on the mess, I recounted the memories from the day. I was reminded of how grateful I am that my kids have a safe, warm bed to sleep in, more toys than they need, and plenty of clothing to wear. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.
I continued to look around. I saw multiple outfits thrown into a pile. But tonight, instead of being annoyed that her clean clothes were on the floor, I thanked God for my daughter's passionate nature. Her attention to detail. Her love of fashion. I glanced over and saw the piles of books that had been pulled off the bookshelf and I offered up a prayer of thanks for my wonderful husband who reads to my girls every night. And for Eloise's love of literature. I pictured her sitting there, pulling off books one at a time and carefully looking over each page.
Just as I was about to walk out, I noticed the tea party still set up. I saw each place setting and how it was carefully set up for each of us to enjoy.
Gratitude.
I'm guilty of letting these moments pass me by. Of focusing on the mess and the to do list rather than the blessings right in front of me. I often miss the moments you just can't get back. And so, as I kissed Amelia good night and pulled the warm comforter up over her shoulders, I asked the Lord to help me to be more alert. More aware. More in tune to His multitude of blessings. To help me have more perspective. Because there is just so much to be thankful for.

A Plea to Love

Our sermon yesterday was on fear, and it was powerful. But perhaps the more powerful theme that stood out to me was LOVE. 

I started to analyze where most of my fears stem from. Not fear of sickness or death, really, but a fear of not being loved. Of not being accepted. Is it not true that we live our lives manipulating things in order to receive love? Who are friends are, how we act, what we do? The truth is, compared to most places in the world, we live in a relatively safe place. Most of us won't be persecuted for our faith, at least not in fear of death, so why then do we fear stepping out and speaking up? Perhaps a fear of lack of love? Lack of acceptance? We need love to thrive. 

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. The one who fears in not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19

The only way we are free to love without fear is to first be loved. To be secure in love. To be rooted in love. To be loved by the only source of love. The source that flows freely and abundantly. So abundantly that it overflows our hearts and unto others. To be loved with a love so perfect that even death couldn't stop it, but instead perfected it. And from this perfect love we are freed from fear. From this perfect love we are freed from rejection. Freed from the need to find love and instead free to give love.  

And so I plea, not to you, but to myself, to love. To love fully, deeply, and without fear. To love because I have first been loved. To drink deeply from the source, so that I am overflowing with His perfect love. And when I love with His perfect love, others will stop fearing too. In this world we need more love. And I pray that I would root myself in love in order to love others. In order to step out without fear. 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

When I live in fear, I live crippled and unable to fully love others. I live to receive love, not to give love. To receive acceptance, instead of giving compassion. Lord, may I drink deeply from your love, and may others feel that love overflowing my heart. 

In Response to Current Events

I don't usually write about or even post about current events or tragedies. I feel like there is so much out there already to read, and you never know who might take something the wrong way. But today I feel led to share just a little. 

I've always had somewhat of an innocence when it comes to tragedies. Do they make me sad, sure. Do I dwell on them, sure. Do I fear, sure. But I've never really questioned the why. I've always just trusted that it's not an answer I need this side of heaven. Even when my dad died, despite my slew of emotions and grief, I never really spent a whole lot of time fixated on the why. And from time to time I even find myself a bit jealous that he is in the most perfect place, at the feet of his Savior. 

But then a sweet two year old is literally ripped away from his parents and I can't help but ask.. Why... 

As a mom of two toddlers I am devastated for this family and everything in me is asking why. And a part of me can't help but also be a little angry. But you know what, I think that's ok. For a short time, it's ok to feel angry. To ask why. To be overwhelmed. It's ok to feel. But then... Give it to Jesus. 

Lately I've been trying to do too much on my own. By my own ability. And if nothing else, this tragedy has led my heart back to Jesus. To realize that there is so much beyond my ability to understand, comprehend or even feel on my own. I need my Savior and in a big way. Left alone in this world, I wouldn't survive. The grief would consume me. I would live in fear, unable to move. In a world where there are a million things out of my control, that could harm or even take my children from me, I need a Savior. 

I know it's hard not to ask why. Not to be angry and devastated that a sweet two year old boy will not fall asleep in his mamas arms tonight. But I cling to hope. Hope that he is with our Savior, free of the pains and worry of this world, beautiful in every way, dancing on streets of gold. Hope that one day this family will be together once again. Hope that through his death and his story being told all over the world, that maybe someone gives their life to Jesus. Hope that his family will cling to Jesus in their grief and feel His love even deeper than ever. 

Rooted Sanctuary

I'm sitting here listening to the rain. I gaze out over the yard and start to contemplate the strength found in nature. It truly amazes me how a tiny little flower can withstand strong winds and rain. It blows over just a little, maybe loses a few petals, but after the storm it is still there. It perks back up and looks just as beautiful as before. That tiny little flower withstands so much. How? By its deep roots.

I just love when the Lord gives me a glimpse into His thoughts through something I can tangibly see. And this morning as I look out my window, I imagine that we are just like that flower. The weight of the world comes like a rushing wind, and the rain of pain and sin fall upon us. We may lose a few petals along the way, but we withstand it. How? Because we are deeply rooted in the Lord and His strength.

"His sanctuary is firmly established and beautiful." Psalm 96: 6

When we build roots in the Lord, His sanctuary is found in us. And we become firmly established and beautiful. And nothing, not the wind nor the rain, can change this. And though sin, pain and heartache might steal a few petals, we withstand it. And when the rain passes, we are still just as beautiful as ever. Maybe even more beautiful, because suffering builds character and endurance. Just like the rain waters the flowers and helps them to grow, so our trials help us become stronger to withstand the next storm. Our roots grow deeper as we depend on the Lord. As we pull from His resources. And soon our roots are so deeply planted that nothing can remove us. Imagine an established tree. You can cut that tree down, but you can't remove its roots.

You're a Good Good Father

Five and a half years ago, Luke and I decided we were ready to start a family. It was such an exciting time. A new adventure. That adventure quickly became frustration, as month after month the tests came back negative. 

I'll skip the details here, but I remember the moment all of my excitement came crashing to the ground. I was working out with a friend when I got a call with the results of some tests my doctor had run. Tears streamed down my face as the nurse broke the news. A few days later we sat across from a fertility specialist as he literally mapped out our chances of ever getting pregnant on our own. The chart was not in our favor. And the only thing I could focus on was the dollar sign placed in front of us. We were 23, barely out of college and a year into our careers. That kind of money wasn't exactly sitting in our bank account.

I remember crying. A lot. I remember thinking it wasn't fair. I remember asking why. And I remember the night we sat in small group as two other couples announced they were pregnant.

What came next was a journey. I had to accept for the time being that we couldn't afford fertility treatment and we didn't want to go into debt. So I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Until one night I sat in a chair crying and heard the Lord speak so clearly to my tender, broken heart.

"Amanda, I know your heart. I formed and molded that heart. And I will give you the desires of your heart, but in my timing."

I knew in that moment that I would be a mom.

Over the next few months I held fast to this verse
Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways", declares the Lord.


It wasn't easy, and some days were harder than others. I remember the day my best friend had her baby. The Sundays babies were dedicated at church. The baby showers, birth announcements and pregnant women who seemed to always cross my path. But day after day I held onto the words spoken over me, "I know your heart. I formed and molded that heart. And I will give you the desires of your heart." And can't we all agree that the Lord wants good for us. That He takes pleasure in blessing us. But can we also agree that the Lord's plans are far better than ours. That only He knows what the future holds and how it is best laid out for us.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

A few months later Luke started a new job, and soon after we found out our new insurance covered a huge portion of fertility treatment. Let me just say that this is unheard of. Even our fertility office was surprised. But I wasn't. God had made me a promise and now His faithfulness was at work. Two months later I stood in my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test, and 9 months later Amelia Grace was born. And I was in love. Fast forward two and a half years and once again I stood in my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test, and 9 months later Eloise Hope was born.

He's a good good father. And I just want to say that I know the pain of this world. Boy do I know it. Not just in struggling to start a family, but in losing my dad when I was still a vulnerable little girl. In losing a grandfather and a cousin. In struggling with OCD. And in so many other things that come with living in a broken world. And sometimes our prayers seem to go unanswered and unheard and we don't get that happy ending. But friends, HE'S A GOOD GOOD FATHER! Those prayers aren't unheard. His ways are higher than our ways and only He knows what our hearts truly need. Only He can see tomorrow. Only He can know how to plan our days. To protect us from harm. From the schemes of the devil. From the things we think will make us happy. And the more you trust in Him, the more your heart will align with His. The more you will see that He wants good for us. He wants to bless us. He wants to exalt us. And you will more easily accept when your plans are not His plans.

To the Discouraged Mama

You go to bed and tell yourself, "tomorrow is going to be a great day". Then you wake up and within 5 mins your toddler is acting like the world might end because she doesn't want to wear anything in her closet. Forget the fact it's 6 am and you don't even NEED to get dressed right now. In her world, it's very important and she needs just the right outfit to start the day. And it can't have buttons or itchy tags and if it doesn't have enough twirl then it might as well get thrown away right this second. I fight the urge to tell her to stop being ridiculous and try to remember how important this is in her world. And if it's important to her, I want it to be important to me. And I want to have patience. So I help her find something suitable while attempting to rehang the 50 things she vetoed and make a mental note to get rid of half her clothes. Less options are just better for us girls, ya know?! 

Then we head downstairs. But I take one step too fast and she thinks I'm going to move ahead of her and once again the drama threatens my patience and I think "we've been awake 10 mins and I've already failed at having a great day".

Wrong. 

A great day isn't defined by the lack of drama. If it was, I could kiss great days away for the next 18 years. I have two girls. Drama is inevitable. A great day isn't when everything goes right, either. A great day is choosing joy, even when everything doesn't go right. 

"Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me." -Jesus Calling

These years with young kids are hard. We aren't just fighting our own battles, we're fighting for our kids as well. We are fighting for joy for our whole family. We are learning patience, oh so much patience. We are learning what it means to depend on God is ways we never thought we would need to. But what a blessing that is. What a privelege. 

I'll end with this. God promised Abraham that his family would be as numerous as all the stars in the sky. In the midst of an impossible situation, God was faithful in His promises. 

Stars in the Sky by Mia

When It Feels Like You Might Break

Today I thought I might break. Shatter into a million tiny pieces of stress, worry, sadness and failure. But I didn't. For one simple reason. The cross. Christ and His unfailing love and grace. His word written on my heart to pull from when I feel empty and overwhelmed. The Holy Spirit whispering truth over me... "You are not a failure". 

I won't talk about the broken lamp or the dent in my heart from my daughters unkind words said in frustration. How my sweet baby cried All. Day. Long. The look from the mom at preschool pickup when my toddler wouldn't get in the car. Or the enemy's lie that I'm not a good mom. No I won't give those thoughts another minute of my time. Because I know that my toddler is human- just like me might I add, that grace is sufficient and no one is perfect. Except Christ. And He is in me. Therefore today was a tough day but nothing more. Just a spec in a lifetime. Not even comparable to eternity. And more than anything I just keep thinking about His promises to me. He never promised life would be easy mamas! But He did promise He would never leave us. In fact He promised to use trials to refine us like silver and gold. He sees me as more precious than gold, and just as gold is refined in the flames, so are we when we go through trials. So tuck His word deep in your heart. Memorize it, meditate on it and call on it when you feel like you might break. And He will faithfully carry you through this day. 

Isaiah 

43 But now, this is what the  says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name;you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”